You know you're Mexican (part I)

Have you ever wondered if you're Mexican? Do you tan to a beautiful brown color but can't handle spicy foods? Well, you're in luck because here I have for you a list of things that might let you know if you're Mexican. OK let's cut the charade, this is a joke that's been on the internet for a while. But I have decided to add some items that weren't previously on there. A lot of them are from me, but a lot of them are also from the friends that I met on a Facebook page called "Bien Mexican." I'd like to give a shout-out to all my paisanos on there, hopefully they will be reading my blog and adding to this list. So, let's begin.

You know you're Mexican...

If you have ever been hit with a chancla (sandal or flip-flop) or wooden spoon.

If you can play any sport or run while wearing chanclas.

If as a child you were afraid of "el cucuy," "La Llorona," "El Muerto" or "La Mano Peluda."

If you have ever used your lips, eyes or chin to point something out.

If people can't tell whether you're laughing or crying.

If you refer to all Asian people as "chinos" no matter where they're from.

If you say "Pssst!" or "Cht! Cht!" to get people's attention.

If your parents ever used the sound of a belt snapping together to scare you.

If you have ever gone to a store and hidden things you couldn't afford so you could come buy them later when you have the money.

If you say "Uy!" when you try to scare someone instead of "Boo!"

If you call all cereals "con fleis."

If you can't imagine anyone NOT liking spicy food.

If you go to a kids' birthday party and there's more liquor and beer than punch and soda.

If there is at least one member of your family named "Maria," "Jose," "Juan," "Jesus" or "Guadalupe."

If you have a bottle of Tapatio or Cholula in your house right now.

If the guy on the Tapatio looks like your dad or uncle.

If the lady on the Cholula looks like your mom or aunt.

If you need to point out how much something you just bought cost.

If you go out with a black girl and you're darker than her.

If you know the next line to this song: "Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores!..."

If you have lived in the same house for 30 years and still pay rent.

If you light a candle on the night of the Lotto drawing.

If your parents have ever rubbed an egg over you to cure you.

If you greet people by tilting your head.

If you have to watch one novela every Monday through Friday and you don't even know why.

If you still have Christmas lights on your house and it's April.

If you have a tia or tio that's younger than you.

If you have ever had to explain to gringos what it is you're eating for lunch.

When a pay-per-view fight turns into a family reunion.

If you have at least one blanket with a picture of an animal on it.

When you can fit 10 people in your car...and you drive a compact!

When your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you live in a one bedroom apartment.

When you can dance cumbia, salsa or ranchera even when there is no music playing.

If you've ever told someone to "bring me a plate" from a wedding, birthday party or quinceañera.

If you have aloe, cactus and some kind of fruit tree in your yard.

When you have at least one shirt with chorizo stains.

When you heat up your lunch in the break room and the smell clears everyone out.

If you have plastic covers on your furniture and plastic runners on the floor.

When you can eat tortillas with every meal.

When your biggest worry is whether or not you left the frijoles turned on.

If people keep trying to hire you to put down tile when you're trying to shop at Home Depot.

When you get sick and instead of going to the doctor you go to the pulga to buy penicillin and herbs from some lady.

If your kids try to order horchata at every restaurant, even if it's not Mexican food.

If you have a skinny cousin they call "la gorda" and a dark-skinned one they call "la guera."

When you store your pots and pans in the oven.

If you can buy roasted corn, raspados and tamales right outside your church.

When every calendar has a picture of an Aztec warrior and came from the panaderia.

When you dress up like Cantinflas, El Santo or El Chapulin Colorado for Halloween.

If you've ever been called in to have a serious conversation with your dad while he's on the toilet.

If your mom has to have Vicente Fernandez blaring on the radio while she cleans the house.

If you have at least 30 cousins.

Well, I think that's it for now. We will revisit this at least once more. I hope you laughed because many if not all apply to you. If you're a gringo and don't understand all of them, have one of your Mexican friends explain.